VISTAS: An awareness of a range of time, events, or subjects. A broad Mental View.
December 17

Opening Day 1997


Rup Rup made me angry last night so I grounded her to downstairs and no treaters, she wasn’t to happy about that but I think she was a bit repentant in the fact that she hasn’t drove me buggie barking for treaters today. So to show her how much I appreciated her behaving I loaded her in the car and took her to Grandma’s. This made her very happy.

Nothing else really happened today.


I have decided that my thoughts are no longer a part of me, for no thoughts have I had anymore, the walking dead is how I define myself. I go through the motions, the required movements of each day, but I have no purpose, nor no one who cares for me within the realm of love.

I've also have found that I have asked those who do/did mean the most to me not to come here but yet they constantly do, and I do not wish to reveal anymore of me to them than I already have. As i did in 2000 i think it has come to the point in time to where I shall kill Bajeca off just as I did Bethany then, who know maybe a new identity, maybe a life offline away from the box. A new start a new me. The Bajeca domain is paid for until April so the site will be here to then but I have no intentions of renewing it. May this will be another way also of finally having my own identity back once again, my privacy, my me world where I spin in circles thinking of what to do next.


thinking back, as the 7th year begins
thinking forward..

for now I think it's time to stop
to take a break and leave my thoughts alone

for now there is no feelings inside of me
to take a closer look into

for now there is only forced writings upon the page
to fill the day, a reminder maybe that I was here

for now this will be today and tomorrow
then no more for awhile, maybe never again.


another year
still the darkness
still the silence
nothing changes
my destiny forever


interesting in the sense of difference
little munchkins singing and dancing
energy lost somewhere through the race of the day


The fourth Year Begins


In my dream I found a hidden paradise within your strong arms My head upon your chest, I heard every heartbeat as if it were my own. Gazing upward I saw my emotions reflected in your eyes, and the whisper of your kiss upon my lips.


Only two things to say this day

It snowed the first snowfall of the year,
beautiful huge fluffy flakes

And Happy Anniversary to me and My Thoughts

1997-The First Thought

I hate the Screaming
I hate this feeling
This feeling of worthlessness
Why can't I find peace
Why won't he leave me alone
I want to die

Ain't I a person any longer
What have I done wrong
I have tried
I can't do this any longer
No I can't

I hate coming home to the Screaming
I'm tired of Crying
Ain't I a person
Don't I have feelings
Where are the answer