VISTAS: An awareness of a range of time, events, or subjects. A broad Mental View.
December 7

Christmas Gift
Mouse drawn by
B. J. Carper

I have tried and I cannot find, either in Scripture or in history, a strong-willed individual whom God used greatly until He allowed them to be hurt deeply.
- Charles Swindoll -


Today went well, I really didn’t feel tired or bored until later this evening which is a good thing these days. I went to Sis’s to see her Christmas Tree and to take Rup Rup for a ride, I was hoping the ride would wear Rup Rup out, she has been such a brat these past few days, but thankfully now she is snoozed out on the bed, dead to the world I think.

Anyhow back to going to Sis’s, Looked at her tree which is a pretty tree, but really fat. Anyhow BIL was home tonight so all of us and the munchkins went to Pizza Hut for Pizza, it was good but really busy for a Wednesday night. There was this Amish family that came in behind us, there was 14 kids and the parents, and because it was buffet night and the price of the meal for kids is based on their ages the server was asking all those kids there ages. I think there was only 1 year missing for they were all between the ages of 1 to 15.

I wonder what it would be like belonging to such a huge family, and also living the simple life of no moderation or limited amounts of it anyhow.

So it was a good day.


"Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit."
– e. e. cummings -


the song "Sweetest of All" by Dr Hook runs through my mind tonight, I wish I could find the lyrics and a midi file to it.


I want to ask for more, I want to be more, but yet I know that I can never ask for more than what I am given, and I am thankful for that, but yet sometimes I still feel like there should be more in this life for me. I often wonder what I have done wrong in this lifetime to be punished with this loneliness, this silence, and this life


I feel such a void in my life with out the sunshine
I feel as though a part of me has died and gone away
I long for a look at his face
I long to touch his hand
I miss him so much
I miss his laughter and presence

I sit in this void, unable to think, unable to feel, there is no desire to move beyond the moment, a longing to go backwards instead of forward. The outside world is such a forbidding place that I find myself retreating and staying within the silence of my living tomb.

I know that I must not hold on, and that I must move forward, but why is it so hard, why is it so hard to believe that there can be any happiness in the future. Why must I always be alone, and why must I always love those who cannot love me? I do not believe it is a question of loving but a failure to admit it to oneself. The ability to never give up even if it is over and will never go beyond the here and now.

I know someday someone will read this and it is in the back of my mind not to write what I feel for in ding so I make myself even more vulnerable to being hurt and pushed further away. Oh well so is life. I think I will watch Mickey Mouse and force myself into that world of fantasy where there is always a happy ending.


A closed mind is like a closed book; just a block of wood.
- Chinese Proverb -


In the twinkling star
A world away
The angels frolic and play
Enjoying being so far


Alone among the masses
others here but not here
where it counts
or where you feel
standing on the outside
looking in
desiring something unknown
maybe a part of being
or maybe just knowing


Talk to a man about himself and he will listen for hours.
- Benjamin Disraeli -