VISTAS: An awareness of a range of time, events, or subjects. A broad Mental View.
December 6

Little Pine Tree Little Bag Little Pine Tree
Mouse Drawn by
B. J. Carper
from tutorials at
PSP Country School

2005

Sometimes I know my mind is zooming so fast with so many ideas and so many different things I want to do that they all become tangled and lost in the confusion it causes within myself, and then there are times that nothing no matter what sparks a fire of motion or thought for that matter.

Many times I attribute it to the lack of passion. Which is a word so many tend to confuse or use in a sexual form of context, however passion is whatever makes your heart race, your brain overload, and that deep down deep inside oneself to do something. So it is passion I often lack, I pray at times to find it but somehow it sometimes (most of the time) eludes me.

I wonder why, My thought to ponder today.

2004

"Most people are so busy knocking themselves out trying to do everything they think they should do, they never get around to do what they want to do."
– Kathleen Winsor -

2003

tonight I feel like I want to write, but yet I have become so accustom to masking the real inner thoughts with what others may relate to, or may feel, but nothing too personal for in giving that maybe I give too much of myself, it is bad when ones thoughts are so personal that they cannot share them with anyone or anything, even their daily diary. I often question why I still keep my thoughts, is it habit, or is it something else. Some day I hope and pray that I have something that will fill my days and my nights to where I never have to turn this computer on again, but for now and maybe forever it is all that I have, my link to the outside world, my link to others that need something or want something, a way to give me a usefulness which in it's own way is my will and motivation to go on, to anticipate tomorrow, and not hide under the blankets, what is needed of me makes me get out of bed, it makes me push forward, to live when all I really want to do is die and be done with this thing that is life.

guess I will ponder these thoughts for a bit longer..

2002

if we could live off of dreams
if our tears could fill the ocean
if the spirit could find joy
if I was someone different than me
How would I be?

2001

They came down the step single file
They presented themselves in such an adult manner for lil ones
They sang loud and clear
and held their candle high and proud

Such a sight comes but once
and is something to cherish and to hold dear.
To bad there was so many heads in the way.
and I could not see the small frame of the handsome lil guy.

2000

tears fall, but for no reason but to be

1999

I wonder why Love hurts so much?

1998

Sitting today thinking of many things, of what it would be like to be a child again, where my only concerns were if someone would give me a hug or a pat on the back, or just an acknowledgement that I was really alive. To not care if it happened or not, not knowing that people really are supposed to love.

thinking of the mud pies baked to perfection in the smoldering sun, wondering if grandma could bake one as perfect as I had done. Not understanding the meaning of failure and praise, nor even caring.

thinking of the wild runs through the woods, watching red headed woodpeckers beat their heads upon the trees, the rap rap of them working is a distant echo in my head. The turtles sunning themselves upon logs fallen into the swamp they called home. A small grave, covered in stone, the deepest pain I had ever felt up to that point in my life. A wooden cross tied together with a piece of twine.

Walking sadly back to the empty house, no lights greeting me home, nothing there but emptiness. I think I'll always feel that emptiness, it was part of childhood, and I guess I just carried it with me

Maybe someday it will go away

1997

The only man who never makes a mistake is the man who never does anything.
- Theodore Roosevelt -